30 Jun

LIFE experts reckon young people don’t even think about their own mortality until they reach the age of 35.That’s their funeral. When they reach my age, they’ll think about it 35 times a die (sorry, day). With respect to the doom-mongers, I won’t let the thought of dying get me down half an inch, let alone six feet.

Let’s face it, there’s no point being too serious about anything because none of us is going to get out of this alive.  Death is arguably the most sensitive issue in life – but losing someone special is something we all  have to deal with it at some point. 

I just wish I had the courage to laugh in the Grim Reaper’s face and ensure that I go out in a blaze of glory. Heaven help me if the Reaper really does exist!.

The funeral scenario gets a whole lot worse as the years roll on. Your body starts to creak and you wonder if the tickle in your throat is about to escalate into a coffin fit.

It’s time to stop choking and start  joking. And that’s easier said than done  when you failed to turn up for your own Biblical D-for-Death appointment eight months ago.

It’s a grave thought but, going on Old Testament  chronology, my funeral plan should have exploded into action on October 10 last year, when I celebrated my three score years and 10 at my daughter’s home in north Manchester.  OK, to be strictly

accurate she lives in Bury. Hell, that’s ominous.

If I do actually pop my clogs on the big day this year, I guarantee the shock will kill me. So I’m hoping the Big Boss will grant me a bit more overtime instead.  Say 30 years in perfect health to take me through to a Lord’s  century?

 I’m dying to know what lies beyond the grave. Absolute believers like Jehovah’s Witnesses predict that God’s Kingdom will soon replace the  increasingly  rotten society we now live in.

The dead will be resurrected and put to a loyalty test,  while the wicked and disobedient will be destroyed. It’s a case of ‘Vote for the Jesus-God coalition and live forever in an idyllic world’.  

I guess that means you’re a dead cert for 10,000 years hard Labour if politics sends you to sleep and Ukip when you should be voting. Only consolation is that you’ll inevitably serve your time Clegg-less. The goodies live happily ever while the unfaithful push up daisies for the rest of their deaths.

Chain gang, here I come.


1. Going Underground – The Jam
2. Skull Of Kintyre –  Poor Yorick
3. The Hippy Hippy Wake – Swinging Blue Jeans
4. The Funeral Is Over – New Seekers
5. That’s Death – Frank Sinatra
6. Grave On – Buddy Holly
7. When You Walk In The Tomb – The Searchers
8. Hearse Of The Rising Sun – The Animals
9. The Road To Hell – Chris Rea
10. Good Mourning – Judy Garland

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